Can Parenting Trigger Childhood Trauma?

This is a question I have been asking myself on what seems like an hourly basis lately. Of course, I've talked about this topic with my therapist over the three years I've spent with her.

The short answer to this question is yes.

But, if you're anything like me, you don't want a simple yes or no answer. I really wanted to know how to navigate parenting my own child when did not receive the parenting I deserved as a child.

Trauma has a scary face. One that is difficult to look at, and even harder to understand. The sad and honest truth is I am still learning how to navigate my childhood trauma. Specifically the triggers that surface during stressful times of parenting. This means I don't have a concrete answer for you. But if you are here, reading this blog, my hope is that you feel less alone than you may have before you stumbled onto my site.

My childhood was not perfect. Not at all. I was sexually and physically abused by my father, and neglected by my mother. During my childhood and adolescent years, I learned the only safe way to deal with my emotions was to keep them to myself. I believed that sharing my feelings led to abuse.

I learned to live in survival mode and stayed there for decades. I lived in what I call the safe zone. Never too excited about anything and certainly never upset about anything.

At the age of twelve, my mother ended her relationship with alcohol. A wonderful decision on her part.

And, here I sit, forty-three years old years old with a twelve-year-old son of my own. He's a great kid and I love him more than I've loved anything. I struggle with holding him accountable for his actions. I care so much about his feelings that accountability becomes an afterthought. I find myself making excuses for his actions on account of how he must have been feeling at the time of the incident. Appropriate discipline for unacceptable actions falls flat.

I ask myself questions like, why can't I just discipline my kid? It's not that difficult. He did X, the appropriate discipline is Y. Just enforce it already. I am the parent after all! Just do it!!!

Instead of feeling empowered to take charge as the mom I am, I end up feeling lost, bewildered, ineffective as a parent, and broken inside.

Why is that?

This is what I think. No one actively cared about how I felt as a child. When I shared my emotions, which were big ones - rightfully so, I was told things like, "You're fine. Stop overreacting. Quit making such a big deal out of it. Relax."

Kids aren't designed to manage emotions of such magnitude on their own. They should have parental figures that help them navigate their emotions, provide a safe space for their expression, and healthy conflict resolution. I did not receive any of that from either of my parents.

I was yelled at when my emotions were too much for me to handle. I was also ignored. My environment taught me that I would be punished for having feelings. So, I had to do whatever I could to not have them. The only feelings that were okay for me to have were the good ones: happiness, joy, and all the other bubbly emotions.

It's no wonder I feel like an inept human when it comes to enforcing appropriate discipline when it comes to my own child. I want to make sure my son feels loved and that he knows all of his emotions are okay to feel and express. The easy ones to feel and the not-so-fun ones too.

What I am actually doing, however, is trying to take care of my childhood emotions while parenting my own child.

Do you ever feel that way? Does any of this resonate with you?

The important thing for me to remember is that I am not the abused and neglected twelve-year-old anymore. I am a parent, and a damn good one. I know what to do and I know how to appropriately hold my son accountable for his actions.

The twelve-year-old in me still needs healing and needs to be heard. And, it's my job to reparent myself while also parenting my son. When I find myself feeling overwhelmed and bewildered with the thought of disciplining my son, I know it's time for me to take a breath and speak to the inner twelve-year-old who didn't receive the love and care she deserved. I can remind myself that my feelings mattered when I was young and that I should have had a safe platform to express my emotions.

Taking the time to allow my inner child to express the bottled-up emotions that still exist inside of me provides a safe space for healing.

Being a parent is such an amazing gift. Reparenting ourselves can be difficult, but by doing the hard work, we can actually break generational curses and become the healthy parents we never had growing up.