Hide and Seek: The Art of Self-Seeking

Self-seeking is another term for self-reflection. I like to refer to it as seeking because the implication is that you are searching for something.

In the case of self-seeking, you are looking for the parts of you that perpetually cause pain and strife in your relationships.

The things you might notice are defensiveness, often feeling offended, irritated, or angry.

You might be thinking, 'What's wrong with anger?' Nothing - we are human and we have been designed to feel a spectrum of emotions, including anger.

However, if you find that you often feel angry, your body may be using the emotion to protect something deeper - a childhood wound, a broken heart you haven't healed from. Anger is a surface emotion. There is always another emotion that lives underneath it.

Using anger as an example, the next time you feel angry about something, do a little self-seeking. Ask yourself these questions: 1. Why am I angry? That will most likely be a relatively easy question to answer. 2. Where in my body do I feel the anger? This will require you to be still. Sit in a quiet place and begin listening to your body (this will take practice if this is new for you) 3. What emotion lives underneath the anger? This one may be a little tougher to answer. It will likely require you to sit in your anger for a bit. 4. When have I felt this before? This question will help you link the emotions you feel in your body to wounds of the past. These are the first steps to starting to untangle surface emotions from the deeper ones - giving you the opportunity to seek yourself for patterns and behaviors worth changing.

What do you do if you discover emotions and pain spots you didn’t know were hiding underneath the surface? That is a great question. The easy answer is, it depends. If you are anything like me, finding emotions under the surface was impossible. I couldn’t see past any of my surface emotions. My therapist helped properly guide me to start recognizing the pain that my mind was protecting me from.

In my last few blogs, I talked about trauma and its triggers. I imagine that you picked up what I was putting down in the last blog, I Feel Crazy. Is it a Trigger? – Trauma lives in the body. That’s why it’s not easy to find it. Our minds protect us from danger, and the events that caused our traumas were dangerous. We protect ourselves by developing defense mechanisms that flare up when someone gets close to pushing a trauma button - like getting angry at someone or something. The anger protects us from engaging with the trauma that lives below the surface.

Why am I bringing this up? Because while self-seeking can be somewhat easy for some of us, it won’t be for others – LIKE ME. And there’s nothing wrong with either.

We can all benefit from a little, or a lot of, self-seeking. If you decide to try it, as you begin self-seeking, be kind to yourself and remember that it will take time to get to where you want to be. Be patient with yourself, as progress is not always linear. However, what's essential is that you are putting in the work to make a difference in your life.

Most importantly, don't be afraid to seek guidance from a licensed therapist. It is their job to help us untangle ourselves. I have been in therapy for three years, and I continue to find parts of me that need untangling. I still find pain, and I have caused others pain. I am a work in progress, and so are you.

Self-seeking can be daunting, but it's essential for personal growth, especially if you've experienced childhood trauma or want to improve your relationships. However, we must remember that being nice to ourselves when self-seeking is essential. Celebrate your accomplishments, recognize your emotions, and acknowledge that you have been protecting yourself from deep shit for a long time! Give yourself grace as you work through it. When we treat ourselves with kindness and compassion, we lay the foundation for healing and growth. Remember, be kind to yourself- you deserve it.